Up, up, up and falling to the ground...

I understand why I'm the way I am, but to accept it is another story.
I know people have lived for many, many years with it, but I don't want to be one of those people.
I want to be able to control my moods and how I am. I don't think that's too hard to ask.
I get scared of how I will be when I'm off my medication because it'll either make people run from me or accept me as a hyper and happy person, but not as someone depressed and alone.
Then when people don't understand that it's too hard to control, it hurts more.
I don't want to relate to your depression when I'm in my own. When you ask what's wrong, don't tell me that you're depressed too sometimes and that it'll be ok. I know already fucking know it'll be ok! I just don't want to be that way at the moment!
When I'm happy, don't tell me that you wish I was that way all the time. Who wouldn't want to be that way all the time?! It's fucking amazing! But when I'm not the way you want me to be, it just makes me feel worse because I feel like I'm bringing you down too.
I know I'm not alone in this, but I'm completely empty without myself.
Today is an up day, yesterday was a down day. I'm so thankful for when I'm happy that it almost brings me down. Does anyone else feel that way constantly?
My mom said that the reason I don't believe in God is because I don't need him yet. I needed a God my whole life. Where was he when so much bad was happening to me as a child? Where was he when so I thought at age 9 it'd be nice to die like my friend Ryan? I guess that's not enough of an indication that I need something to believe in. I guess I'll need a God when I want to live and I'm dying. I doubt there is a God that picks and chooses from when you need him and when you can do it yourself.
I'm sorry I don't believe in God, but at least I believe in myself to overcome what's wrong with me. Well, at least I believe in myself most of the time. Today I do. Tomorrow, who knows...

Evil lives inside us all

I still do things I did 6 years ago that I know will hurt certain people and someone else. I think it's devious and ridiculous, but part of me finds it hilarious and that part of me takes over any rational thought I could have.

Today I'm having an up day which makes me nervous for when I'm going to go completely down and what is going to be the reasoning.

I'm doing a 10k on Saturday. Fuck yes. This will feel so good.

This is my problem lately....

And to be honest
The only reason I want you back right now is because I'm lonely everyday.
And to be honest
If I had someone else, I'd never really think of you.
And to be honest
I see you happy with someone else
And I honestly want you to be miserable too.

no subject

He’s there

He’s just right there

Why isn’t he mine

Why can’t it be right

What if I were different

What would I change about myself

Maybe if I was shorter

Maybe if my hair was blonde

I’d only wear dresses

I’d put my heels on

Day after day I’d powder my nose

Night after night I’d take off my pearls

Would he be right here with me

Would he be right here

He’d stay there

Just right there

I am short, fat and not so proud of that....

I miss my best friend immensely. She couldn't be farther away it feels like.
Today I got a text from her saying that she's homesick. I don't blame her; I'm Heather sick. I've always known it's important to keep best friends in your life. I feel really fortunate to have the ones I've kept for so long. 15 years and 10 years (soon). The problem with being a best friend though, you don't always know how to solve a problem. You can only do so much for them until you've run out of ideas. Short of getting on a plane to D.C., I know Heather will just be lonely the moment I leave. She might even feel worse because she'll miss her home. Nobody told her it would be easy, but I don't think she knew it'd be this hard also.

Outside of that, things have been splendid. I like boys. I like my scooter. I think I actually like my scooter more than boys haha. The rally was remarkable and I had the best weekend of my life at it with great people that took me and made me feel like we had been friends for years. I've never felt so welcome in my life! It's amazing to have a 25-35 people come together with nothing in common except for their love of scooters and get along so well. I don't recall meeting or talking to one person that I didn't like. One boy named Skylar made me apart of the last thing in the rally which made me feel really great. Everyone else was onlookers and I got to take part of it. I hope these friendships last a while.

I need to get to D.C. ASAP! Back to work!

I wanna be a billionaire - so fucking bad

This will make everyone smile.

June 19th

What is it that makes people think about what they'll never have instead of the great things they do?