Up, up, up and falling to the ground...

I understand why I'm the way I am, but to accept it is another story.
I know people have lived for many, many years with it, but I don't want to be one of those people.
I want to be able to control my moods and how I am. I don't think that's too hard to ask.
I get scared of how I will be when I'm off my medication because it'll either make people run from me or accept me as a hyper and happy person, but not as someone depressed and alone.
Then when people don't understand that it's too hard to control, it hurts more.
I don't want to relate to your depression when I'm in my own. When you ask what's wrong, don't tell me that you're depressed too sometimes and that it'll be ok. I know already fucking know it'll be ok! I just don't want to be that way at the moment!
When I'm happy, don't tell me that you wish I was that way all the time. Who wouldn't want to be that way all the time?! It's fucking amazing! But when I'm not the way you want me to be, it just makes me feel worse because I feel like I'm bringing you down too.
I know I'm not alone in this, but I'm completely empty without myself.
Today is an up day, yesterday was a down day. I'm so thankful for when I'm happy that it almost brings me down. Does anyone else feel that way constantly?
My mom said that the reason I don't believe in God is because I don't need him yet. I needed a God my whole life. Where was he when so much bad was happening to me as a child? Where was he when so I thought at age 9 it'd be nice to die like my friend Ryan? I guess that's not enough of an indication that I need something to believe in. I guess I'll need a God when I want to live and I'm dying. I doubt there is a God that picks and chooses from when you need him and when you can do it yourself.
I'm sorry I don't believe in God, but at least I believe in myself to overcome what's wrong with me. Well, at least I believe in myself most of the time. Today I do. Tomorrow, who knows...