Up, up, up and falling to the ground...

I understand why I'm the way I am, but to accept it is another story.
I know people have lived for many, many years with it, but I don't want to be one of those people.
I want to be able to control my moods and how I am. I don't think that's too hard to ask.
I get scared of how I will be when I'm off my medication because it'll either make people run from me or accept me as a hyper and happy person, but not as someone depressed and alone.
Then when people don't understand that it's too hard to control, it hurts more.
I don't want to relate to your depression when I'm in my own. When you ask what's wrong, don't tell me that you're depressed too sometimes and that it'll be ok. I know already fucking know it'll be ok! I just don't want to be that way at the moment!
When I'm happy, don't tell me that you wish I was that way all the time. Who wouldn't want to be that way all the time?! It's fucking amazing! But when I'm not the way you want me to be, it just makes me feel worse because I feel like I'm bringing you down too.
I know I'm not alone in this, but I'm completely empty without myself.
Today is an up day, yesterday was a down day. I'm so thankful for when I'm happy that it almost brings me down. Does anyone else feel that way constantly?
My mom said that the reason I don't believe in God is because I don't need him yet. I needed a God my whole life. Where was he when so much bad was happening to me as a child? Where was he when so I thought at age 9 it'd be nice to die like my friend Ryan? I guess that's not enough of an indication that I need something to believe in. I guess I'll need a God when I want to live and I'm dying. I doubt there is a God that picks and chooses from when you need him and when you can do it yourself.
I'm sorry I don't believe in God, but at least I believe in myself to overcome what's wrong with me. Well, at least I believe in myself most of the time. Today I do. Tomorrow, who knows...

Evil lives inside us all

I still do things I did 6 years ago that I know will hurt certain people and someone else. I think it's devious and ridiculous, but part of me finds it hilarious and that part of me takes over any rational thought I could have.

Today I'm having an up day which makes me nervous for when I'm going to go completely down and what is going to be the reasoning.

I'm doing a 10k on Saturday. Fuck yes. This will feel so good.

This is my problem lately....

And to be honest
The only reason I want you back right now is because I'm lonely everyday.
And to be honest
If I had someone else, I'd never really think of you.
And to be honest
I see you happy with someone else
And I honestly want you to be miserable too.

no subject

He’s there

He’s just right there

Why isn’t he mine

Why can’t it be right

What if I were different

What would I change about myself

Maybe if I was shorter

Maybe if my hair was blonde

I’d only wear dresses

I’d put my heels on

Day after day I’d powder my nose

Night after night I’d take off my pearls

Would he be right here with me

Would he be right here

He’d stay there

Just right there

I am short, fat and not so proud of that....

I miss my best friend immensely. She couldn't be farther away it feels like.
Today I got a text from her saying that she's homesick. I don't blame her; I'm Heather sick. I've always known it's important to keep best friends in your life. I feel really fortunate to have the ones I've kept for so long. 15 years and 10 years (soon). The problem with being a best friend though, you don't always know how to solve a problem. You can only do so much for them until you've run out of ideas. Short of getting on a plane to D.C., I know Heather will just be lonely the moment I leave. She might even feel worse because she'll miss her home. Nobody told her it would be easy, but I don't think she knew it'd be this hard also.

Outside of that, things have been splendid. I like boys. I like my scooter. I think I actually like my scooter more than boys haha. The rally was remarkable and I had the best weekend of my life at it with great people that took me and made me feel like we had been friends for years. I've never felt so welcome in my life! It's amazing to have a 25-35 people come together with nothing in common except for their love of scooters and get along so well. I don't recall meeting or talking to one person that I didn't like. One boy named Skylar made me apart of the last thing in the rally which made me feel really great. Everyone else was onlookers and I got to take part of it. I hope these friendships last a while.

I need to get to D.C. ASAP! Back to work!

I wanna be a billionaire - so fucking bad

This will make everyone smile.

June 19th

What is it that makes people think about what they'll never have instead of the great things they do?

I'm Harry Houdini! Ima chew through the cuffs!

So hello blogspot.com,

Where ya been? Oh, just on my computer. 

The past week has been super busy. Scooters and stuff. Woo! 

We (me and a bunch of other people that own scooters) went on a ride last week. It was so amazing being around a ton of people that had nothing in common except the love of scooters. 

We drove our scooters for a total of 3 hours. All around Salt Lake. 

Of course I stalled at the top of 13th and 13th heading east, but really, I'm surprised only a few of us stalled. 

I love my scooter. It makes me happy.

Here's the crew minus the dude on the end.

Inanimate objects that make me happy...

My vespa
Rubik's Cubes

When the curious girl realizes she's under glass

"I used to be such a burning example,
I used to be so original.
I used to care, I was being cared for.
Made sure I showed it to those that I love.

I used to sleep without a single stir,
'Cause I was about my father's work.

I used to pray like God was listening.
I used to make my parents proud.
I was the glue that kept my friends together,
Now they don't talk and we don't go out."


I need to remember this - 

May days

I'm starting to wonder how I can get things to be better in my life, but I really only think that 2 things could do it and I'm not sure I'm willing to give either up because it's only a maybe. Nothing is certain.

Nothing good has happened in so long. Nothing that has brought a smile to my face. I feel like I'm back to my old self when I never really smile. I don't know how to be sincere and I can't pay attention to other people's stories. I try so hard and I try to make a nice smile to go with my trying to listen. All I can think is "why can't I pay attention and be normal. Why doesn't my head just stop. Why can't it just be over."

I just want someone to tell me what to do, to tell me that it's ok and that I'm making the right choices. Right now though, I'm not making the right choices and I'm not ready to because I'm too afraid of the outcome. I'm depressed, lonely, and tired. I have no motivation, my body is ridiculous and I can't focus on my job let alone my life.

On the bright side....
Heather is moving in.

Why is that my only brightside? Shouldn't there be more?

Heather moves in this month. I'm not ready for her to move to DC though.
I'll be losing my best friend since I was 9. I still have really great friends, but it'll just be so weird without her around.
Fuck you Kobe.

I was being passive aggressive to a guy that always acts that way toward me and everyone took it personally. My fault, literally. No sarcasm at all.

Coming up anytime now

A lot of things are coming up this month and I'm super stoked about it.


I walk on May 7th and my cousin Dezy and her daughter Myha are coming to see! I haven't seen them in months and Myha owns my heart. AJ got work off to come too! I was a little worried that he wouldn't because he kept forgetting, but he told me Monday he did :)


May 14th we're leaving to Vegas with a bunch of his friends. I'm pretty excited. I like everyone that's going, but I don't want to be too much cause I heard I can be that way. I'm sure it'll be fine though. After that, we're going to take a small trip to San Francisco in June or in July. 


May 17th I start summer school at the U to begin Grad school classes. I haven't handed in an application to be in it because I missed the deadline, but they said I have a 99% chance of getting in and if I take classes for it beforehand, I have a better chance haha. Adolescent Development, here I come.


May 21st is my sister's graduation from hair school. She's so excited! I need to talk to my boss and make sure I can get time off. Luckily, I do well at work and they seem to like me. I wish I was teaching though.


The relationship has been pretty great the past couple weeks. He really does make me very happy. I love watching him play hockey. I have a good boyfriend.

Snowing in April

I think people forget that we live in Utah and that it always snows past the day they say it's supposed to stop. I can't recall a year that it hasn't snowed after the official first day of spring.

I finally got new extensions thanks for my sister. We had enough hair left over from the first time to do my whole head. It doesn't look or feel dead anymore. I absolutely love it. When she took them out my hair felt so light and awkward; now it just hurts.

Oops back to work. Dang.

well... apparently

I'm hard to be around sometimes.
I get too intense. 
I need to calm down.
I should be more mellow.
I need to not voice my opinions so much.
I make people upset.
I'm overwhelming.


That's just what I've heard around the water cooler. 
I've always wanted to be someone other than myself so I guess that's awesome.

Hello movie lovers...

Might I suggest one of the best movies I've seen in quite a long time. This movie is called Adam.

Adam is played by the gorgeous Hugh Dancy (whom you might remember from Confessions of a Shopoholic). He's a great person that is a little off because he has Asperger Syndrome. He does so well portraying what Autism is and how people feel and think with that disablement. 
There is a girl that comes in his life named Beth (Rose Bryne) that doesn't actually know he's autistic until he verbally says it. Once his awkwardness is defined, she rationalizes and contemplates whether he is capable of being in a relationship. Much to her rationalization, she can't seem to not date him because of his charm and innocence. 
Sadly, she realizes that he doesn't understand other people's emotions which is difficult while her family undergoes a lot of personal problems. He may not understand her reactions and emotions, but she is exactly the same way when it comes to his emotions.
This movie shows Asperger Syndrome so well. There are still many people that don't realize that their are higher functioning autistic people in the world and that they can live normal lives and have normal relationships.
Not an ending you'd imagine, but definitely an ending you'll love. I honestly can say that this is one of the best movies I've seen in the past 5 years. If you're like me, you won't stop smiling for a good hour after the movie.

I already know I love you.

Can he please just marry me?! I'm so in love with him!

They slowly get better

It's almost the boyfriend's birthday! He doesn't want it to be here and doesn't want a present. I got him a little thing any way. I definitely think he'll enjoy it. 


I walk for graduation on May 7th in the morning. I'm super excited. I just wish I knew someone else graduation so I wouldn't have to sit by myself for so long. 


About to watch Priceless, but of course Travis texts me. Ugh. What to do.. What to do...


I heart my boyfriend big times.

Le battement d'ailes du papillon

wow oh wow oh wow.
"Happenstance" was an amazing movie.
It was about how certain things you do in the world changes it every day. It's focused on Audrey Tautou and Faudel and how they meet after the most random day. It has several different stories to it and I just loved them all.

Here are some memorable quotes from the movie:

"There's not a gesture, even the most insignificant, that can't change the world. Every detail, every gesture, as slight as it may be, reveals an infinity of truths and thus has an endless repercussion and grandiose effects."

"You only have to piss in the sea to make the ocean rise."

"Do something stupid, random and ludicrous. That stupid, random and ludicrous act can upset the order of the world."

That movies was just amazing.
Next movie on my list is "Priceless." Tomorrow I may watch "Paris, Je t'aime."

I love these movies. They make me so happy.

Dieu est grand, je suis toute petite

"There's a wall between us.
Is there a door in that wall? 
A tiny, little one?
There's a wall between us. 
Not a wall, a rampart" 
-From the movie "God is Great, I am not"

I'm obsessed with French Films. 
Tomorrow I'm watching Happenstance a.k.a. "Le battement d'ailes du papillon"

Movies may be movies, but sometimes they're much more than that.

Every flavor only on Wednesdays.

I am trying an experiment with my meds this week. I took lamictal only last night to see if it caused bad dreams and tonight I'm only taking trazodone. Let's find the stem of the situation. Maybe it's me with a scrambled mind. Who knows. I hope I can find out though. 


I wouldn't mind a surprise visit or text from the boyfriend right now. This is kind of hard. Hopefully it's worth it though. Only time can tell. Life should be a little easier. I don't understand how it came to this at all. I could be a bad girlfriend maybe, I'm not quite sure. Maybe he's just scared. Maybe he just liked being friends. I like him as my boyfriend though and I hope he figures out that he likes it too. 


Matt invited me to go see him and Derby the other day. I declined. I always decline. I wish I could see my little bundle of joy without the human. Might be worth it though. 


Golfing with dad is baller. Golfing in general is baller. It keeps me from getting wrapped up in my mind. I don't have anything going on tomorrow so maybe I'll pack up my clubs and go hit some balls after work. Good plan.

If it's stapled together, it's one invoice

My nightmares seem to get more disturbing lately. I think I have to go talk to my doctor about them. My mind is completely scrambled and that could be a factor. I don't really know. I just know I wish I was in bed right now instead of working.
Back to work...

There is a spoiler in this post... Not a huge one, but one.

What a hellish week. I hope the boyfriend finds things out. He is a really good person; just not where he wants to be. I'll be around though. 


I think I've found the stem of my nightmares and I think it's because I read and look up too much shit. Knowledge is not power. Knowledge is my nightmare. I look up disgusting, random shit constantly and I'm sure it's just messing with my dreams. 


Weird fucking shit though...
I started looking up serial killers last weekend and I was interested in this woman named "Karla Homokla." I kept reading about her and the next day I was watching TV and on lifetime the movie based on her story was on!! It was so weird to watch! 
Then this week I was reading up on lobotomies and just kept looking up podcasts and things because it was so interesting. Tonight I went and saw "Shutter Island" (which was fucking amazing) and kapow! Lobotomies. What the fuck. 
Also! My friend was telling me about a book he was writing about a man who was married to his house. It is a loveless marriage and it is an amazing story. As he's telling me all I can think of is how I recently starting reading and watching things on objectum sexuality. That is the premise to his book. He had no idea it was even real thing! He was pretty stoke on knowing too! 


Maybe my mom and dad were right and I need to stop looking up so much shit. I just wish I was in school or something so I can talk to more people about all these things I want to know or discuss with someone. 

I guess you're not supposed to make Jew jokes at dinner?

The other day my mom smacked my head because I was really full from dinner and said "I feel like a Jew right before Christmas."
The story behind it is that before Christmas was an actual day, Romans would feed Jews a shit ton of food around that time of year. They'd be so full they wouldn't be able to move and the Romans would make them get naked and race in the streets. 
I thought my comment was pretty amusing and relevant. My mom said I'm not allowed to talk like that though. *sigh* Another Jew joke wasted.


Lately it feels like I'm in a relationship with myself. I've felt that way for a couple weeks. It always seems that I'm the only one trying. It doesn't really help to know that he also thinks that I like him more than he likes me and that I want more out of the relationship than he does. Yes, this was an actual conversation.


I don't know. 


At least I enjoy my job. I need more things for my cubicle though :)

Hello Interweb....

Being off the internet for a week was easier and nicer than I thought it could be. I didn't wonder who I wasn't talking to or what I could become a fan of on Facebook; I was just doing my own thing.

I've become super addicted to "Stuff You Should Know" podcasts. I love finding out random facts about anything and everything. Like that black people are less likely to get scabies. Yup interesting. 

I got super sick after Tosh on Saturday. I don't know where it came from cause AJ wasn't sick! AJ took care of me even though he was sick. He put loads of covers on my freezing body, brought me juice AND drew me a hot bath :)

He has been a really good boyfriend lately. I wish he could figure out why he is so sick. He usually only gets this way for 2-3 days and it's been 2 weeks. I'm really worried about him. It's getting worst. 

I really like my new job. I'm glad I have a full time job. 

Sees ya in 1 week

I've decided to detach myself from the internet for one week. I think I'm dependent on technology and I need to kind of live without it.

I start my new job tomorrow. Good luck to me!

Bye for the week!

"Listen buddy, I'm out of your league. Sorry you can walk away now"

Yes people. Those words were actually said by me last night as some creeper kept hitting on me while riding trax. I was super drunk and he was gross. Wow. I'm a bitch.

I had something relevant to write and yet I've seem to forgotten what it was. I imagine it's nothing too special.

I saw a boy yesterday that I met when I was 18 or 19. He said he found me on facebook and thought I was married because my last name was different. Apparently he thought my last name was "Loy." Yup. I forgot I never told people my last name for some reason. Weird it still comes up.

Vodka? Yes please.

I'm having an Orange Julius and I put some vodka in to. It's 10:23 and I'm justifying this decision by reminding you it's Orange Juice and that's a morning thing. Great logic never fails.

The past is my real life

In December I mentioned that I had a half brother and I never elaborated.


When my dad was barely 17, he was into drugs and drinking. He didn't get along with my grandparents because my grandpa was an alcoholic and a dick. So he moved out and lived with his best friend. His best friend was dating this really "skeezy" girl. At one point her brother shot my dad's best friend in the leg.


So my dad had a little one night stand with the lady and didn't talk to her again. I know, I know... He slept with his best friend's girl, but he wasn't in the right state of mind. She got pregnant and didn't tell my dad until after she had the baby. My dad didn't know what to do and didn't want to have anything to do with her so he blew it off.


My dad told my mom about it after they were married and my mom wasn't fine with him leaving a child, but she accepted my dad for who he was.
The thing about my dad is that when I was 3, my mom made him go into rehab. He was huge on alcohol and multiple drugs. He doesn't like to be reminded about his life before he was 25 because it was so messed up.


So 12 years ago my mom and dad met with my half brother, whose name is Justin. Justin just wanted to get to know us, but my dad didn't want to deal with it still. In December Justin wrote me and my sisters and told us that we were possibly his half sisters. It took my dad 3 weeks to talk to me and Lindz about it. I completely understand why he didn't talk about it and I respect still respect him.
We met Justin almost a few weeks ago and his wife and 3 daughters. Yup, he has 3 daughters and I'm technically an Aunt. The youngest one asked my dad if he was her grandpa and he just stood up and walked away haha.


They came over again for dinner last night. They were much less nervous. His daughters are coming to stay over this weekend so we can get to know them more.


It's a little odd, but it happens. Turns out my Uncle Tim might also have a child somewhere hahaha.
I love my dad. He's the most amazing father anyone can ever have. He's such a sweet and caring guy and I'm glad that he's accepting everything. My mom feels bad because his life wasn't so great growing up and she knows that he could've had a good upbringing with our family.
Justin is 32 and my oldest sister is almost 30. They get along really well. Lindz is still having problems with it, but she's trying. I'm indifferent. He's nice and his family is great. I guess his mom tried to shoot him in front of his kids a little while ago. Crazy..


This is my brother. He's very nice and very different than me and Lindz.

I can't sleep. I can't sleep. I can't sleep.

I'm going to New York in a couple days for the weekend. I hope that the flight doesn't get delayed or canceled. My mom is already there waiting. I wish I was seeing Jonathan while I am there, but he comes the day after I leave.

Life is confusing and irritating.

Oh Charlie Brown.

Charlie Brown - “Can you cure loneliness doctor?”
Lucy - “For a nickel, I can cure anything!”
Charlie Brown - “Can you cure deep-down, bottom-of-the-well, no-hope, end-of-the-world, what’s-the-use loneliness?”
Lucy - “For the same nickel?!”

Dealing with offensive breath in 1835

Offensive Breath

This is owing to scurvy in the gums and putrified matter lodged in the hollow teeth. The following gargle stands in high esteem: - Take two ounces of cinnamon, six drachms of cloves, and six ounces of Florentine orrice root, nutmeg and mace; bruise and macerate them in a quart of spirits of wine or French brandy, during forty-eight hours. When used let it be diluted with water. Or chew every night a small piece of gum myrrh. Or chew every night and morning a clove, or a piece of orrice root, about the size of a bean; or rub the teeth with a piece of rag dipped in spirits of vinegar.

Robots say I love you

01001001 00100000 01101100 01101111 01110110 01100101 00100000 01111001 01101111 01110101 00101110 00100000

Random things I apparently feel the need to keep...

I was looking through my box full of things I had from London and I decided that if I don't change my ways, I may end up on that TV show "Hoarders."
Here is some awesomeness I found:


My boyfriend Flat Stanley.

A pamplet on how God can accept me. I read it all while drunk and realized I wasn't going to be accepted so I might as well just keep enjoying my non-religious life.

A pamplet on religion that I didn't read.

A prescription for when I got really sick.

I'm not actually sure what this was, but I liked it.

A button I got from a creepy nightclub.

A fake fried egg.


Two of the best postcards I've ever seen.


Postcards I forgot to send to my friends.

A cellphone I used for 3 weeks because I delayed for the first 3 weeks in getting one.

Note that I just put them back in the folders and boxes and did not throw any of them away.